Innermost
by da-mouse
Summary: She talks to him while he sleeps, not knowing that he is listening. -Yoh/Anna-


Disclaimer: Shaman King does not belong to me, and will never belong to me. What a shame. Sue me for the hole in my pocket. For what's it worth, it's bigger now. ^_^

For **Satsu'mi**, better days are ahead, sweetie. As long as we are with you, and I'll always be with you. :)  
For **anna-chan**, who always review my stories and giving me encouragement.  
For **Bratty**, whose wonderful fic, _As She Saw Him Sleep_, inspired me, hence the appearance of this fic. 

Innermost  
written by: da*mouse

_Feelings that I've always kept hidden...___

He shuffles sleepily into his room, rubbing his tired eyes. Yawning widely, he takes off his orange headphones, letting them drop onto the floor beside his tatami mat. Not even bothering to change, he lies down on the mat, pulling his blanket over his body. His training today had been vigorous and tough, and for now, he just wants to go to sleep, and rest his tired bones. 

So exhausted is he, that after a few minutes, he has drifted off into dreamland. 

As he sleeps, the door slides open softly, and the silhouette of a slim, blonde girl frames the doorway. She enters the room, closing the door gently behind her. Leaning against the door, she scrutinizes the sleeping figure on the floor for a long moment. She cannot see his face from her position, just a tuft of dark hair, visible above his blanket. 

_Yoh..._

Crossing the room almost soundlessly, she kneels down beside his tatami mat. 

She can see his face, his sleeping face, child-like and relaxed in his slumber. His mouth is slightly open, and one hand is clutching the edge of the blanket, pulled up to his chin. His breathing is slow, even. 

She reaches out for him, her hand hovering above his dark hair. Her hand begins to descend slowly, and at the moment before she makes contact with him, she draws back, resting her hand on her lap. 

_I always wanted to..  
._

"I..." she stops, looking down, and twisting her hands together. 

She laughs, although the sound carries no humor, happiness or lightness. Only hollowness, with a bitter quality. "Sometimes, I wonder."

"I wonder what am I doing here. At this time, in this place. To train you? To make sure you are training constantly? Help you become stronger? Or perhaps, you may think, to torture you? Which is it?"

She gazes at him, and repeats, almost in a whisper. "What am I doing here, Yoh? What? Why am I here?"

She brushes back a blonde bang that is obscuring her face. "Can you tell me? I need to know..."  
  


_I don't know..._

_  
_"I didn't want to..."

She pauses. He still sleeps. 

"I didn't want to harsh towards you. I still don't. I don't want to be cold, detached, emotionless. Neither do I want for everyone around me, and you, to perceive me as the untouchable itako."

"I...I want to be touched. Like everyone else."

"There's something in me. I don't know what, but it prevents me, from..." 

She laughs, again, suddenly. "I'm not making sense, am I?" 

Her hand forms a crease on her black dress, struggling with her inner emotions, as she tries to find the words. There is a short silence before she begins speaking again.

"I always feel like I am an odd piece of puzzle in this world, there's no place for me. It hurts. So many times, it hurts. All I ever wanted, is to be a part...a part of this world. A part of _something_. And you..."

"...are the closest I ever have, to something. To belong. Here."

  
_The closest..._

She manages a small smile, a smile tinge with sadness. "You're all I have."

"And sometimes, I think I am driving you away...away from me. With my harshness, my stubbornness to yield, my cold nature. Am I driving you away, Yoh?"

She lowers her head. "Of course I am. How can you stand me, the way I am? How can anyone? But…"

"It's all I've ever known. Coldness, loneliness. Before you."

She looks at him, her gaze softening. "You've changed me."

"You've changed me so much. With your smiles, your caring, just being you. You've come close to shattering my mask, my facade."

"But I can never let that happen. I won't ever want it to happen. I..."

A curtain of sadness drapes over her face, as she continues looking, and talking to the sleeping him. "It is what protects me. I need it. I can only prevent you from coming closer."

"But...that doesn't mean I don't want you to..."

Pain burns in her heart, and she raises a hand to her chest, placing it over her heart.   
  


_My strength...  
  
_

""I...if I ever break..."

"...this will mean I am not as strong as I think. Strength is the only thing I ever have to my name."

"The only thing...I possess..."

She shifts her gaze momentarily, to the bright moon outside his window. Round, luminous and perfect. She turns back to him again, looking at her fiancé, so immersed in his slumber. 

"I..."

_Where to begin, how to tell...?__  
  
_

She reaches out again for him, slightly hesitant. Biting her lip, she extends further, until her hand lightly grazes his dark hair. She closes her eyes, feeling the softness of his hair. 

"Sometimes, I want to give in, go against myself, my resistance...I want to...break myself..."

"But..."

"...I can't...won't..."

She lets her hand drift downwards, and she touches his face. Softly, and briefly. 

"I want so much...to tell you..."  
  


_To let you know...understand..._

  
"...that..."

"...I..." she can't say it. She doesn't know why, but the words stick to her throat. She sighs. 

"Maybe I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am. But..."

"I have to..."

"...keep it up..."

Slowly, she stands up, turning away from him. "But I..." her voice chokes. She closes her eyes, forcing back tears. 

_I will not allow myself to cry..._

Composing herself, she begins again, her voice a whisper, almost inaudible. "...do...love you..."

"...I do..."  
  


_Always...I do...__  
  
_

She doesn't see his eyelids flutter, nor does she see the shocked expression on his face, and the emotions that flickers across it. She starts to leave, when suddenly, his warm hand grabs her cold one. 

She freezes for the moment, and she is yanked backwards, towards a warm embrace, towards him. He hugs her fiercely from the back, his arms encircling her waist, his breath warm on her cheek.

_I...Yoh..._

"Anna...you don't always have to be so strong, so brave." he whispers into her ear. His hold on her tightens. "You have me. You'll always have me."

She can feel the tears sliding down her cheeks, she can't stop them from falling, no matter how hard she tries. All her hidden pain is unleashed, as he continues to hold her. 

Tenderly, he brushes away her tears, turning her towards him, so that they are face to face. Gently, he takes her face in his hands. She rests her hand on top of his. 

"Yoh...I..."

Her words are lost, as he leans forward, and kisses her, gentle and reassuring. No more words are needed. _Don't worry. I'm here. Always. _

And she knows, and understands. 

_She'll always have him.   
  
_

_You and me...always._

_-_Finis-

Aw, gee. I made Anna cry. *wince* Don't ask me why I write this. O_O. I kind of get the idea of Anna revealing her feelings to Yoh, as he slept, from Bratty's fic. You know, the whole Anna-awake-Yoh-asleep scenario. But…in this fic, during Anna's monologue, dear Yoh was listening. 

Oh well. Yeah, I guess this is sort of OOC for Anna.

You know, I think I have to stop writing these soul-searching fics. Next time, I'll try a light-hearted one. Hopefully, anyway. Can't make any promises. I must be a gloomy person. Aw, shucks. 

Review! Comment! Whatever! I write based on reviews, cos the feedback inspires, encourages and helps me improve. So do leave yours truly a little review. Please? :) 

da*mouse ®  
posted 4th June, 2003   
1.43 a.m.

p.s. shameless advertising: for Yoh/Anna fans: please visit my site at //eternally.faith.at and sign the guest book! Thanks! :)

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